The Diary of Aragorn Aged 42 and Three Quarters
by Winston the Bulldog
Summary: The title is self explanatory I should hope....
1. Default Chapter

A/N- This is Aragorn's diary using the storyboard of Adrian Mole's diary. I've tried to make it funny. Please don't flame me. I've got my GCSE's in three weeks and I still have yet to pick up a book and revise. Please give me a nice review instead................in case you were wondering this is set AFTER the War of the Ring. Nobody could be bothered going to the Undying Lands and most of them are staying in Aragorn's castle in Minas Tirith, which makes it very easy to create the humour....  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
The Diary of Aragorn aged 42 and Three Quarters  
  
JANUARY  
  
Thursday 1st January  
  
These are my New Year's Resolutions-  
  
1. I will help the blind (Gandalf) cross the road  
  
2. I will put Anduril back in it's case after use  
  
3. I will stop worrying about my chin dimple  
  
4. I will help the poor and ignorant (Merry & Pippin)  
  
5. After witnessing the discusting scenes at the party last night, I have vowed never to get drunk again  
  
Sam got Bill the pony drunk on cherry brandy at the party last night. If the R.S.P.C.A hear about it he could get done. Eight days have gone by since Christmas but Arwen still hasn't worn the Lurex apron that I bought her. She will get bathcubes next year.  
  
Friday 2nd January  
  
I feel rotten today. It is Galadriel's fault for singing My Way at three o clock in the morning outside mine and Arwen's bedroom. It was enough to wake the dead. Just my luck to have a Grandmother in-law like her! I think there is a chance that her and Celeborn could be alcoholics. I think my chin dimple to turning into a boil. It is Arwen's fault for not knowing about vitamins.  
  
Saturday 3rd January  
  
I shall go mad through lack of sleep!  
  
Arwen banned Bill from the castle so he neighed outside the window all night. Just my luck. Legolas shouted a swear word at Bill. If he's not careful he could get done for obscene language. I am sure the simple is a boil. Just my luck to have it where everyone can see it. I pointed out to Arwen that I haven't had any vitamin c today and she just said ''Go and buy an orange then.'' This is typical. She still hasn't worn the apron. I will be glad to get back to my Kingly duties at this rate.  
  
Sunday 4th January  
  
Elrond has got the flu. I'm not surprised with the diet we get. Arwen went out in the rain to get him a vitamin drink but as I said ''It's too late now, It's a miracle we don't all get scurvy.'' Arwen says she can't see anything on my chin but she is lying because the boil is massive today. Bill has run off because Sam didn't tie him up properly. I have broken Elrond's music box but nobody has noticed. With a bit of luck, Elrond will be ill for a long time. Still no sign of the apron.  
  
Monday 5th January  
  
Bill hasn't come back yet. It's peaceful without him. Sam is putting up posters around Minas Tirith. I think the people of Minas Tirith have got better things to do than look for a lost pony, like make sure I don't get murdered. I told Sam this but he still put the posters up. It will be his fault if I get murdered.  
  
Elrond is still lazing around in bed. He is supposed to be ill, but I noticed he is still smoking pipe-weed!  
  
Tuesday 6th January  
  
Bill is back. He got in trouble by walking into a paddock in Rohan and attempting to impregnate Eomer's best stud mare, so we will end up with a fine I expect. Eomer said that Sam should keep better care of Bill and then he asked how long he had been lame. Sam looked in Bill's hoof and found the Phial of Galadriel. Frodo mumbled something about misplacing it and then walked off. Bill was very pleased when Sam took the Phial out. He slobbered all over Eomer's tunic. Arwen wiped the tunic with the kitchen cloth, but the cloth had jam on it from where I had wiped the knife so the tunic was worse than ever. Eomer left then. I'm sure he swore. I could report him for that.  
  
Wednesday 7th January  
  
My boil/dimple has reached it's peak. Surely it can't get any bigger?!  
  
I found a word in the dictionary that describes Elrond. It is 'Malingerer'. He is till in bed guzzling vitamin c. Bill is locked in the gardener's shed.  
  
Thursday 8th January  
  
Now Arwen has flu. Typical. This means I will have to look after her and Elrond. I have been up and down the stairs all day. They didn't eat any of the tea I made them. I almost said something. I gave it to Bill in the shed. Gandalf is coming round tommorow for a visit so I had to take Bill for a walk and then scrub the burnt saucepans. It was half eleven before I got to bed. No wonder I am stressed.  
  
Friday 9th January  
  
It was Cough Cough Cough last night. If it wasn't one it was the other, you'd think they'd show some consideration after the hard day I'd had.  
  
Gandalf came and was discusted with the state of the castle. He let Bill out of the shed. He said Arwen was cruel to lock him up. Bill was sick all over the courtyard. Gandalf locked him up again. He squeezed by boil....it made it worse.  
  
Saturday 10th January  
  
Now Bill is ill!  
  
He keeps being sick so Sam has sent for the vet from the Shire. I have put a plaster over my boil to stop germs getting to it from Bill.  
  
Later...  
  
The vet has taken Bill away. He thinks he will need an operation. Gandalf and Arwen have had an argument. Gandalf found the cardigan that he had given Arwen for Christmas cut up in a duster bag. It is discusting when people are starving.  
  
Monday 12th January  
  
Bill is back. He keeps licking his stitches. Arwen got up early this morning and made him a proper bed in the shed. He don't have any hay so Arwen used shredded soap boxes for bedding. Elrond said this would make Bill sneaze and burst his stitches, then the vet would charge even more to stitch him back up again.  
  
Thursday 15th January  
  
Elrond has found out about the music box. I told I lie. I said that Bill must have trodden on it. Elrond said he will wait until Bill is fully cured of his operation and then kick him. I hope this is a joke.  
  
Saturday 17th January  
  
I was woken up at the crack of dawn by the workmen laying concrete outside where that stupid dwarf Gimli tried to dig a cave.  
  
Sunday 18th January  
  
Elrond and Arwen have had a row over Bill. He escaped and trod all over the wet concrete. Elrond offered to have Bill put down but Sam cried and said he wouldn't. Arwen was furious about the concrete. All the people of Minas Tirith were out washing their windows and listening. The vet has got to come again because Bill has got concrete stuck to his hooves. Sometimes I really hate that pony!  
  
Tuesday 20th January  
  
Arwen is looking for a job!  
  
Now what will I do? I expect I shall starve. I think Arwen is being very selfish. She won't be good at a job anyway. She is not bright and she drinks too much at Christmas. She said she needs to be mentally stimulated and she won't stay cooped up in the castle a moment longer. I rang Gandalf and told him. He said I could go and live with him. I wish I hadn't rung now.  
  
Wednesday 21st January  
  
Elrond cooked tea tonight in preparation for when Arwen gets a job. We had boil in the bag curry and rice. It was the only thing left in the freezer apart from a packet of green stuff that had lost it's label. Elrond made a joke about sending it to the Public Health Inspector. Arwen didn't laugh.  
  
Thursday 22nd January  
  
It's Frodo's birthday tommorow. Merry and Pippin have organised a party, so my precious castle will be taken over by loons from the Shire. Arwen has got a job interview. She isn't doing any cooking. All she does is practice typing so what will it be like if she GETS the job?!  
  
I think Elrond should put his foot down before we are a broken home...  
  
Friday 23rd January  
  
That's the last time I ever let a hundred hobbits into Minas Tirith!  
  
The party was a complete joke. Legolas was showing off all night and ended up putting a safety pin through his ear. Elrond had to take him to hospital in our car. Legolas doesn't have a car because his Dad, Thranduil, has a steel plate in his skull and his Mum is only 4 feet eleven inches tall. It's no wonder Legolas turned out bad, with a maniac and a midget for parents.  
  
Thursday 29th January  
  
Bill is back from the vets (minus concrete). I am not taking him out until the hair has grown back on his shaven hooves. Sam looked pale when he got the bill from the vet. Elrond read it and said from now on, Bill will live off the scraps from his plate. This means that Bill will soon starve.  
  
********************************************************************  
  
Next chapter- February's Diary Entries  
  
MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
I am a manifestation...... 


	2. February

The Diary of Aragorn Age 42 and 3 Quarters  
  
February  
  
Sunday 1st February  
  
There was a lot of shouting downstairs last night. The kitchen waste bin was knocked over and the back door kept being slammed. You'd think my family and friends would be a bit more considerate.  
  
Tuesday 3rd February  
  
Arwen has not done any housework for days now. All she does is go to work, come home and smoke. The big-end has gone on Elrond's car. I had to show him where to catch a bus to Rivendell. Honestly! I 3 million year old elf not knowing where the bus stop is. My Father looked such a scruff I was ashamed to be seen with him. I was glad when the bus came. I shouted through the window that he couldn't sit downstairs and smoke but he just waved and lit up a ciggarette. There is a thousand pound fine for doing that.  
  
Thursday 5th February  
  
Arwen has bought some of those dungarees that painters and decoraters wear. You can see her knickers through them. I hipe she doesn't wear them outside. She is having her ears peirced tommorow. I think she is turning into a spendthrift. Faramir's Mum is a spendthrift. Denethor gets a red phone bill every month because his wife buys a new pair of high heels every Saturday.  
  
Friday 6th February  
  
It's lousy having a working wife. Arwen just dashes in, tarts herself up a bit and then dashes out again. There has been a slice of bacon stuck between the fridge and the cooker for three days to my knowledge! It will probably stay there....  
  
Saturday 7th February  
  
Celeborn and Galadriel have been screaming at each other for hours. It started because of the peice of bacon and carried on into how much time Galadriel has been spending in Mirkwood lately. I went to my throne room and put some music on. Elrond burst in and told me to turn it down. I did and when he left I turned it back up again.  
  
Sunday 8th February  
  
Legolas went to visit his family in Mirkwood and came back with his Father in-tow. Legolas' Mother has left Thranduil so he has to stay here while she moves out. It's a good job that Celeborn is in Lorien visiting Haldir.  
  
Wednesday 11th February  
  
Galadriel and Thranduil were up all night trying to fix the boiler in our kitchen. I went down to see if they needed a hand but something was jammed against the door. Thranduil shouted from the kitchen that he was at a crucial stage with the boiler and Galadriel was giving him a hand and couldn't open and door just at that moment.  
  
Saturday 14th February  
  
Galadriel's Valentines card was so big that it had to be delivered in a GPO van. It was full of little hearts with Galadriel written inside them. Celeborn's card to her was very small. Inside he had written- ''Lets try again.'' I gave Arwen a card with ''Roses are red, Violets are green, I like your legs and what's in between.'' written inside it. She read it and then gave me a slap.  
  
Sunday 15th February  
  
Thranduil's wife had finally moved out so he has gone back to Mirkwood at last. I expect he was glad to get away from all the rowing over the giant card. I told Celeborn that Galadriel can't help it if she has a secreat admirer and Celeborn have a nasty laugh and said ''You've got a lot to learn lad.''  
  
I was sick of them all so I took Bill and went to Gandalf's for tea. He is never to busy to make real custard. I tied Bill up outside and Gandalf gave him the scraps. Bill started to choke on a chicken bone and Gandalf had to slap him on the back to get it out. I left Bill at Gandalf's to recover from the ordeal.  
  
Wednesday 18th February  
  
Fetched Bill back from Gandalf's. He's given Bill a shampoo and set so he smells like the perfume counter at Boots. Sam had fifty fits when he saw him.  
  
Saturday 21st February  
  
Went to the garage with Elrond. He expected his car to be ready but it was in bits on the workbench. Elrond's eyes filled with tears. I was ashamed of him. We walked to the supermarked and Elrond bought tinned salmon, crab, shrimp and a huge black forest cake. Arwen was dead mad at him because he forgot the tea-bags, toilet roll, etc. She said that Elrond can't be trusted to do the shopping again. Elrond cheered up a bit.  
  
Sunday 22nd February  
  
Celeborn has gone fishing and taken Bill with him. Thranduil came for lunch and stayed for tea. He ate all of the black forest cake. We played Monopoly. Legolas was banker, Galadriel kept going to jail, and Arwen won.  
  
When Celeborn came in the front door Thranduil went out of the back door. Celeborn said that he had been looking forward the to black forest cake all day. There was none of it left. Celeborn said that he hadn't had a bite on his fishing line all day and Bill had eaten his sandwiches when his back was turned. Galadriel gave him some grape-pip cheese on a Ry-King for his supper. Celeborn threw it at the wall and said he was a F******* man, not a f******** mouse! and Galadriel said that it was a long time since he had done any f********!  
  
Me and Arwen left the room then. It is a terrible thing to hear Galadriel swear.  
  
Sam slept in the shed all night to keep Bill company. He doesn't like the shouting.  
  
*******************************************************************  
  
Next Chapter- March (well I never!)  
  
Gandalf's birthday  
  
Gimli gets done by the pigs & Celeborn and Thranduil have a punch up infront of all of Minas Tirith as the affair is made public!!! 


	3. March

A/N- Thanks for the reviews! In reply to Elfstone's Maiden, I do have lots more comedy stuff out under the penname The Evenstar, so check that out if you like my work. In reply to Little Rat......Gandalf's birthday is celebrated by....well, you'll just have to read below and find out won't you?  
  
(P.S - I know Aragorn's birthday is on 1st March, but in this Fic it is on 2nd April, so that will be something else to look forwardf to. I am also currently writing the sequel to this which is called 'The Growing Pains of Aragorn King of Gondor'.  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
The Diary of Aragorn age 42 and 3 Quarters  
  
March  
  
Thursday 5th March  
  
Elrond got his car back from the garage today. He was cleaning it and gloating over it for a full two hours. We drove to Gandalf's to test drive the car. He gave us a cup of Bovril and some yukky seed cake. Gandalf didn't ask how Galadriel was. He just said that Elrond needed fattening up and then he gave him another peice of seed cake.  
  
Sunday 8th March  
  
Arwen went to a woman's workshop so me and Elrond had boil in the bag cod in butter sauce followed by peaches and Dreamtopping for lunch. Afterwards we watched a film on the television, but then Arwen came home and started bossing us around. She started saying things like ''The worm has turned!'' and ''Things are going to be different around here!'' and then she went into the kitchen and divided the chores up into a chart. Then she said ''We start tommorow.''  
  
Monday 9th March  
  
Cleaned toilet, washed basin and sink, made breakfast, put washing in the machine, woke Legolas up, braided his hair, and cleaned the breakfast dished before starting on my Kingly duties. Just my luck to have an assertive wife!  
  
Sunday 15th March  
  
The castle is very quiet. Celeborn sits in the spare room smoking and Galadriel sits in the bedroom smoking. Arwen said she wished they would hurry up and get divorced.  
  
Thranduil has phoned Galadriel three times. All she says to him is ''Not yet! It's too soon...'' Perhaps he had asked her to go for a drink to take her mind of her troubles?  
  
Celeborn has put the stereo in the spare room. He is playing his Jim Reeves records and staring out of the window. I took him a cup of tea and he said ''Thanks lad.'' in a choked up voice. Galadriel was looking at old letters in Celeborn's handwriting when I took her tea in. She said ''Oh Aragorn, what must you think of us?'' I said that Gandalf thinks divorce is society's fault. Galadriel said ''Bugger society''.  
  
I am reading The Man In The Iron Mask.....I know exactly how he feels.  
  
Saturday 21st March  
  
Celeborn and Galadriel are eating their meals at different times so I usually end up having 6 meals a day because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I am starting to get a bit suspicious about Galadriel's intentions towards Thranduil. I found a note to her that said ''How much longer? For God's sake come away with me- Thrandy.''  
  
Sunday 22nd March  
  
It was Gandalf's birthday today but he won't tell anyone how old he is. I took him a pot plant. The plant had a label stuck in the soil that said 'The sap of this plant is poisonous'. Gandalf asked who had chosen the plant. I told him that Arwen had.  
  
Gandalf is quite pleased that Celeborn and Galadriel are getting divorced. He said he knew that Galadriel had always had a wanton streak in her and now he has been proved right.  
  
Tuesday 24th March  
  
I saw Galadriel getting into a car with Thranduil earlier. They must have been going somewhere special because Galadriel was wearing her boiler suit with sequins. She did look a bit wanton. I am going to stay awake and see what time they come back.  
  
Midnight  
  
Galadriel still not home  
  
2.00am  
  
No sign of Galadriel  
  
Wednesday 25th March  
  
Fell asleep. Don't know when Galadriel came in. Celeborn said that she had gone to Tom Bombadil's Christmas Dinner and Dance. In March?! Come off it Celeborn, I was not born yesterday!  
  
Thursday 26th March  
  
Gimli has been done for riding a bike without a rear light. I hope he gets sent down. I short sharp shock will do him good.  
  
Saturday 28th March  
  
I told Legolas about my suspicions over Galadriel and he told me that the affair has been going on for a good while! The only people not to know were me and Celeborn! I hope Legolas is proud of his Father for breaking up our home.  
  
Galadriel has organised a 'Civilised' meeting for Monday. Thranduil is going to be there. Me, the hobbits and Gimli have been excluded, but we will listen in at the door.  
  
Tuesday 31st March  
  
A terrible thing happened last night. Celeborn and Thranduil had a FIGHT in the courtyard and everyone in Minas Tirith came out to watch! Galadriel tried to seperate them but they told her to keep out of it. Elrond tried to help Celeborn. He kept shouting ''Give the smarmy bugger one for me Celeborn!''. Arwen was shouting terrible things at her Grandmother. The 'Civilised' meeting broke up at five o clock when Celeborn discovered how long Galadriel and Thranduil have been in love.  
  
They had another 'Civilised' meeting at seven o clock, but when Galadriel disclosed that she was going to Mirkwood with Thranduil, Celeborn became uncivilised and started fighting again. Thranduil ran outside and Celeborn rugby-tackled him by the laurel bush. It was quite exciting really. I had a good view from my balcony. Then someone said ''It's the King that I feel sorry for.'' and everyone looked at me in this really pitying way. I expect this experiance will give me trauma at some point in the future.  
  
8.00pm  
  
Galadriel has gone to Mirkwood with Thranduil. She had to drive because he couldn't see out of his two black eyes. 


	4. April

A/N- MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
It is my last ever week at school, which means exams in a few weeks, but then about three months off on holiday. Unless my Mum's boyfriend is successful in getting me a scabby job at a petrol station that's in a town full of inbreds...  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
APRIL  
  
Wednesday 1st April- April Fool's Day  
  
Haldir rang up this morning and pretended to be an undertaker. He asked what time he should pick up the body. Elrond answered the phone. Honestly! He has no sense of humour. Legolas bought a packet of itching powder and put some down Gimli's boots. He is another one without any sense of humour. Legolas put some down my back. It wasn't funny. It took Elrond four hours to pick all the peices out.  
  
Thursday 2nd April  
  
I am 43 today!  
  
Got a football and a tracksuit from Elrond (he is completely insensitive to my needs), a zip-up cardigan from Arwen, The Boy's Book of Carpentry from Gandalf (no comment), one pound inside a card from Legolas (last of the big spenders), new socks from Gimli and a Mars Bar from the hobbits. Celeborn gave my his old collection of porn mags. Best of all was Â£50 inside a card from Galadriel and Â£25 from Thranduil (guilt money).  
  
Bilbo sent a card with a book token inside it. It expired thirty years ago but it was a kind thought.  
  
Saturday 4th April  
  
Me and Elrond cleaned the castle today. We had no choice. Gandalf is coming for tea tommorow. We went to Sainsbury's this afternoon. Elrond chose a trolley that was impossible to steer. It sounded like someone was torturing mice, I was ashamed to be heard with it. Elrond chose food which is bad for you. I had to put my foot down and insist that he got some fresh fruit and salad. When we get to the check-out Elrond couldn't find his banker's card and the assistant wouldn't except a cheque without it. The manager had to come and stop the row. I ended up lending Elrond Â£20 of my birthday money. I made him write an I.O.U on the back of the till roll.  
  
I must take my hat off to the Sainsbury's of Gondor. They seem to attract a better class of customer. I saw Gloin buying his toilet-roll. The Mordor Sainsbury's is terrible. It's full of orcs buying Rizzler.  
  
Sunday 5th April  
  
I made Celeborn get up at 1pm. I don't see why he should laze around in bed all day feeling sorry for himself. He got up and Arwen said he could make himself useful and clean the lounge. Celeborn found one of Galadriel's earings down the back of the sofa. He just sat there staring at it and said- ''Do you miss her Aragorn?''  
  
I said- ''Of course I do must life must go on!''  
  
Celeborn said- ''I don't see why.''  
  
I took this to mean that he was suicidal so I went and removed all the harmful implements from the bathroom.  
  
After we had eaten dinner, Celeborn went to have a shave and he couldn't find his razor. He asked where it was and I lied and said I didn't know. Celeborn tried to use his battery razor but the batteries had leaked and gone all green. I like to think that I am broad-minded but the language Celeborn used was beyoned the pale, all because he couldn't have a shave!  
  
Tea was a bit of a drag. Gandalf said horrible things about Galadriel. Celeborn went on about how much he missed her. Arwen told the both of them to shut up. Nobody noticed that I was in the room. Bill get more attention than me!  
  
Gandalf told Celeborn off for growing a beird. He said- ''You might think it is amusing to look like a communist Celeborn, but I dont.''  
  
Celeborn just stared at Gandalf's beird and looked dead mad. He almost said something. I was glad when Gandalf cleared off home.  
  
Monday 6th April  
  
We got a postcard from Galadriel. She is staying in the palace in Mirkwood. She wants me and Arwen to visit soon.  
  
We didn't show the postcard to Celeborn.  
  
Tuesday 7th April  
  
Arwen got a phonecall from Galadriel. Galadriel's voice sounded a bit funny, like she had a cold. All she said was ''You'll understand one day Arwen.''  
  
There was a slurping noise in the background. I expect it was that creep Thranduil kissing her neck. I have seen it done in films.  
  
Tuesday 14th April  
  
Got another postcard from Galadriel. She wants me and Arwen to visit A.S.A.P. Why can't she write a letter like a NORMAL person?  
  
Arwen can't go to Mirkwood, she is working, so I have to go on my own. Elrond is making Galadriel send the train fare.  
  
Thursday 16th April  
  
Got a birthday card from Haldir, two weeks late! Elrond said that Haldir is under a lot of pressure because of his job. That is a joke. Haldir has no job because there is no need for a Lorien army anymore. Anyway, I know for a fact that he spends his days in the pub with Elrohir and Elladan.  
  
Friday 17th April  
  
Bill has mauled the hot cross buns. He doesn't respect any traditions.  
  
Still waiting for the train fare.  
  
Sunday 19th April  
  
Elrond forgot to go to the bank on Friday so we are penniless. We went round to Gandalf's for dinner. He made a cake covered with fluffy Easter chicks. Some of the fluff got into Elrond's mouth and made him choke. He had to have his back thumped. He always manages to spoil things. He has no Social Decorum whatsoever.  
  
Monday 20th April  
  
Elrond is in a rage because it's a bank holiday and the bank is still shut.  
  
Still no sign of the train fare.  
  
Tuesday 21st April  
  
Elrond was first in the queue at the bank this morning. He took Frodo and Sam with him so he would get sympathy. When he got inside the cashier said that he couldn't have any money because he had spent it all. Elrond demanded to see the manager. Frodo and Sam hid behind a pot plant until the shouting stopped.  
  
Train fare has come....I leave tommorow morning.  
  
Wednesday 22nd April  
  
Elrond gave me a a lift to the station. He also gave me some advice for the journey. He told me not to buy a pork pie from the buffet cart.  
  
When I was getting on the train I said ''Don't forget to feed the hobbits.''  
  
Elrond gave a nasty laugh and then the train started so I went to find a seat.  
  
I have always avoided the Middle Earth transport system and there is a good reason. All the filthy smoking Elves, men, dwarves and hobbits were all crushed in together, coughing away. I pushed past them and found a non- smoking cart. I sat at a seat opposite an elderly hobbit woman who started going on and telling me discusting things about her daughter's hysterectomy. Thank god the old bat got off at Bree. She left her Woman's Own behind so I had a good laugh at the problem page and read the story and then the train slowed down for Mirkwood.  
  
Galadriel met me at the station. Thranduil was out doing Kingly things. The palace looks just like the one in Rivendell only MUCH more untidy. Since Legolas' parents split up no housework has been done.  
  
No wonder Legolas left.  
  
Friday 24th April  
  
Helped Galdriel paint Legolas' bedroom. He will have fifty fits when he sees it. It used to be green. Now it is beige and brown.  
  
Saturday 25th April  
  
Thranduil dragged us out to the countryside today. I sat in the car and watched Galadriel and Thranduil make an exhibition of themselves. I'm glad there were no members of the public around. It is not a pretty sight to see million year old Elves running up hills and laughing.  
  
Sunday 26th April  
  
Home again.  
  
The journey back was a nightmare. I had to sit in the smokers carraige the wole way, opposite a lunatic dwarf who thought he had a radio inside his head controlled by Fidel Castro.  
  
Elrond met me at the station. He had brought Bill. Bill was dead happy to see me. He jumped up, missed, and almost fell infront of the 9.57 Erebor express. 


	5. May (the force by with you....just jokin...

A/N- Just remembered....forgot to do disclaimer. I own nothing, NOTHING I tell you!  
  
(Not even my dignity)  
  
  
  
The Diary of Aragorn Aged 42 and Three Quarters  
  
May  
  
Friday 1st May  
  
Gandalf rang this morning to say ''Cast ne'er clout till May be out.''  
  
I think it's got something to do with keeping your vest on, but so what?  
  
Sunday 3rd May  
  
There is nothing left in the freezer, nothing left in the pantry and only slimming bread left in the bread bin. I don't know where all our money goes. I was forced to take the hobbits round to Gandalf's before we all died of malnutrition.  
  
Tuesday 5th May  
  
Another postcard from Galadriel. She is coming to visit on Saturday. Celeborn is happier than he has been for weeks. He thinks that Galadriel is coming home for good.  
  
Friday 8th May  
  
Celeborn has scrubbed the castle from top to bottom in preparation for Galadriel's visit. It's nice to have a clean home, but I wish he wouldn't wear the apron. He looks like a poofter in it.  
  
Saturday 9th May  
  
I was woken up this morning by a loud banging on the front door. It was an Electricity Board official. I was amazed to hear that we owe Â£97.26p!  
  
I told the official that we needed electricity for life's essentials like the sunbed and the Breville sandwich toaster, but he just said that it was people like us who drained precious resources. Then he went to the meter cupboard, fiddled around a bit and then the kitchen clock stopped. It was dead symbolic.  
  
Elrond came in from fetching the Daily Express. He was whistling and he even asked the official if he wanted a cup of tea! The official just said ''No thankyou.'' and hurried off. Elrond switched the electric kettle on and I was forced to tell him.  
  
Naturally I got the blame. Elrond said I should have refused entry. I said he should have paid the bill. Then Elrond went beserk and woke the rest of the castle up. Then Galadriel and Thranduil turned up!  
  
It was just like old times with everybody shouting at each other. I took Bill for a walk to the shop and bought some candles. When I got back I found that everybody had gone out apart from Thranduil, Galadriel and Celeborn. They were still in the kitchen arguing, so I listened in at the door. Thranduil offered to lend Celeborn ''A ton.'' but Celeborn said ''All I want from you is my wife.'' They started arguing again until Thranduil and Galadriel left. When they had gone I went into the kitchen and found Celeborn looking lonely and miserable. I felt dead sorry for him.  
  
Monday 11th May  
  
Faramir has offered to lend us a paraffin heater, but I refused his kind offer. I have read that they can be easily knocked over and Bill would no dought cause a towering inferno.  
  
I have sworn Faramir to silence. If it gets out that our electricity has been cut off I will slit my throat....the shame would be too much to bear.  
  
Friday 15th May  
  
Gandalf has just paid a surprise visit and caught us all huddled round our little camping stove, eating cold bins out of a tin. We were quite contented. Merry said that it is good practise for when civilisation collapses. Then Gandalf burst in and started having hysterics. He's forced all of us (and Bill) to go to his house and stay until the electricity is turned back on. Gandalf has written out a giro cheque for the electricity board. He was dead mad. He was going to use the money to restock his freezer. He buys two dead cows a year.  
  
Saturday 16th May  
  
Gandalf made the hobbits go shopping with him. Frodo said that Gandalf was dead feirce in the butchers, watching the scales like a hawk and then pouncing and accusing the butcher of not giving him enough bacon.  
  
Elrond has paid the electricity bill, but it will be a week before the computer gives permission for it to be switched on again. Typical.  
  
Sunday 17th May  
  
Gandalf dragged us to church with him. Elrond was made to brush his hair and wear a tie.  
  
The church service was dead boring. The vicar looked like the oldest man alive and spoke in a feeble sort of voice. The hobbits couldn't see over the pews. Celeborn and Elrond kept standing up when we were supposed to sit down and vice versa. Me, Arwen, Gimli and Legolas copied Gandalf. He is always right. I shook the vicars hand when we were leaving. It was like touching dead leaves.  
  
After dinner we listened to Gandalf's Al Jolson records and then he went upstairs for a lie down. Elrond did the washing up and he broke a 50 year old milk jug! He had to go for a drink to recover from the shock.  
  
Monday 18th May  
  
Gandalf is not speaking to Elrond because of the milk jug. I can't wait to get home where things like milk jugs don't matter.  
  
Tuesday 19th May  
  
Elrond is in trouble for staying out late last night. Honestly! He is 100 times older than the milk jug so surely he should be allowed to stay out as long as he likes!  
  
Saturday 23rd May  
  
Home again. Plants all dead. Red bills on the doormat.  
  
Sunday 31st May  
  
I lit a joss stick in the living room to get rid of the smell of Gimli's feet. Elrond came in and threw it out of the window. He said ''I won't have you messing with drugs Aragorn!''. I tried to explain but he was too angry to listen.....  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
Next chapter.......  
  
Elrond gets made redundant!  
  
SHOCK HORROR!  
  
What will the family do? 


	6. June & July

A/N- These chapters aren't very long so I've decided to merge them into one. Hey! I'm a poet and I don't know it.  
  
This instalment is dedicated to Sharpe and Legolas' Girls, who have kept this Fic going with their great support and comments. Luv you heaps like fluffy sheeps girls!  
  
********************************************************************  
  
The Dairy of Aragorn Aged 42 and Three Quarters  
  
June  
  
Monday 1st June  
  
Today, Elrond got a letter that made his face go white....he has been made redundant!  
  
Apparently, there is no call for a Lord of Rivebdell anymore. He will be on the dole! Social Security will be buying my shoes from now on! Bill will have to go, he costs 75p a day to feed.  
  
I am making Elrond lots of hot, sweet drinks for the shock. He just keeps going on about Rivendell, saying that he is going to spill the beans to the media.  
  
Tuesday 2nd June  
  
I am having a nervous breakdown. Nobody has noticed yet.  
  
Wednesday 3rd June  
  
Elrond is smoking and drinking heavily. He informed us at breakfast that he has been made temporarily impotent. Arwen got up and left the room.  
  
July  
  
Monday 6th July  
  
Faramir and Eowyn are getting married. Arwen is organising a street party for the big event.  
  
Thursday 16th July  
  
Elrond get his redundancy cheque today. He did cowboy whoops up and down the hall.  
  
Sunday 26th July  
  
Went for tea at Gandalf's. I was sad and depressed because my life is pointless. Gandalf asked if I was constipated. I almost said something.  
  
Tuesday 28th July  
  
It's a wonder I have the strength to hold my pen!  
  
I have been on the go alll day with preparations for the wedding. Rose Cotton asked if I would help to hang the bunting. I said ''I feel it is my patriotic duty.'' Rose said that if I climbed the ladder she would pass the bunting up to me. I was alright for the first four or five rungs, then I made the mistake of looking down and had a vertigo attack, so Rose did the climbing while I held the ladder. I couldn't help noticing Rose's knickers. They are surprisingly sexy for so someone from the Shire. Black lace! With red satin ribbons! I got the feeling that Rose knew I was looking at her knickers because she asked me to go and get Sam. I was glad when he came and took over from me.  
  
Wednesday 29th July- Wedding  
  
How proud I am to be a Gondorian!  
  
The church was packed. Bilbo came down from the Shire, but he kept saying things like ''Parasites'' and ''The idle rich'' so Gandalf sent him back to the Shire. Faramir looked quite handsome considering he had Boromir for a brother. Eowyn melted my heartstrings in her dirty white dress. She even helped an old man up the aisle which I thought was very kind considering that it was her wedding day. Loads of famous people were there, Gloin, Denethor etc.  
  
Faramir had remembered to take the price tag off the bottom of his shoes so that was one worry off my mind. Elrond had forgotten to take the price tags off at his wedding and everyone in the church red the label. It said ''9 and a half reject- 10 Shillings.''  
  
After the ceremony we waved Faramir and Eowyn off on their honeymoon. They left on a very strange looking train. Celeborn said it only looked strange because it was clean.  
  
********************************************************************* 


	7. August & September

The Diary of Aragorn Aged 42 and Three Quarters  
  
August  
  
Tuesday 11th August  
  
ANOTHER postcard from Galadriel. She wants me and Arwen to go on holiday with her to the Misty Mountains. Arwen just laughed when I told her. I'm not going. I wouldn't be seen dead in the Misty Mountains.  
  
The postman said that if Galadriel was his wife he would give her a good thrashing. He doen't know Galadriel. If anyone laid a finger on her she would beat them to a pulp.  
  
Thursday 13th August  
  
Elrond has decided to take everyone on holiday to the Edoras on the fifteenth! He has booked a caravan! He expects me to go! I am going to the Misty Mountains.  
  
Saturday 15th August  
  
Everyone waved me off at the train station. Elrond didn't mind that I have chosen to go on holiday with Thranduil and Galadriel. In fact, he looked dead pleased. The train journey was a nightmare, as usual. I had to stand up the whole way.  
  
Galadriel and that creep Thranduil met me at the station. Galadriel is looking rough. She has started dressing in clothes that are too young for her. I pretended to be asleep all the way to the Misty Mountains. Thranduil mauled Galadriel around even while he was driving.  
  
We are staying in a log cabin at the High Pass. Galadriel and Thranduil have gone to buy ciggarettes. At least that is their story.  
  
Sunday 16th August  
  
We are surrounded by the rotten mountains. It is dead boring.  
  
Monday 17th August  
  
Rained all day. Did some washing in the laundrette. Bumped into Glorfindel. His Mum is getting married for the fourth time and he said he had to get away from Rivendell. The poor bloke.  
  
Tuesday 18th August  
  
Rained all day again. I am suffering from depression.  
  
Wednesday 19th August  
  
Sent postcards, phoned the Edoras, reversed charges, Elrond refused to except them. Played cards with Glorfindel. Life certainly is thrilling.  
  
Friday 21st August  
  
Walked two and a half miles to buy a Mars Bar.  
  
Sunday 23rd August  
  
Thranduil and Galadriel have made friends with Barliman Butterbur and his wife who are staying in the cabin next to ours. They went off to look at Dimrill Dale together. It is Mrs Butterbur's birthday so they came back to our cabin with six packs of lager.  
  
I complained about the noise at 1am, 2am, 3am, 4am, 5am and at 6am they decided to climb the highest mountain!!!  
  
I pointed out that they were un-qualified, un-fit, didn't have a compass, map and were lacking basic survival techniques. My pleas fell on deaf ears. The four of them climbed the mountain, came down and were cooking bacon and eggs by 11.30am!!!  
  
As I write, Mr & Mrs Butterbur are tekking across the mountains....they must be on drugs.  
  
Thursday 27th August  
  
Hollin today. Bumped into Fangorn the Ent and his wife. Everyone stood around saying what a small world it is and then Fangorn asked Thranduil how his wife is. Thranduil said that she is living with another woman. Then everyone said what a small world it was again and parted company. Galadriel went mad at Thranduil. She had ''Do you have to tell eveyone?!'' and ''How do you think I feel, living with a lesbian's estranged husband?!''  
  
Thranduil whined on for a bit, but then Galadriel started to look like Gandalf so he shut up.  
  
Friday 28th August  
  
Visited the Gladdan River. It was a bit of a dissapointment but Thranduil fell in which cheered me up a bit. Unfortunately, it was too shallow for him to drown in.  
  
Saturday 29th August  
  
Went for a walk with Glorfindel. He things his Mother is heading for her fourth divorce. He goes back to Rivendell first thing in the morning. He has an appointment with his pshyciatrist tommorow.  
  
I will be glad to get home myself. I am waiting for Thranduil and Galadriel to return from their furtive love-making somewhere in the mountains.  
  
We leave at dawn.  
  
Monday 31st August  
  
Back home again. Everyone is broke and the bank is shut. Elrond can't remember the number for his hole-in-the-wall card. He had the nerve to borrow a fiver from Gandalf. Fancy asking an old wizard for money! It lacks dignity.  
  
September  
  
Tuesday 1st September  
  
Me and Arwen have been forced (by Gandalf) to go to the Shire and clean out Bag End for Bilbo. He owes Â£289 in rent arrears. He is paying them off at 50p a week, so it is a certainty that he will die in debt.  
  
Wednesday 2nd September  
  
Arwen and I went to look at Bag End today. It is truly an awesome sight. If Bilbo took all his empty bottles back to the off-license he could probably pay off all the rent arrears.  
  
Thursday 3rd September  
  
Elrond helped us to move all the furniture from Bag End out to the front garden. The woodworm came out to sunbathe. When we listed the carpets we discovered that Bilbo has been walking on a layer of dirt, old newspapers, hair pins and decomposed mice for years. We hung the carpets on the washing line and beat them all afternoon. Arwen got excited about 4 o clock, and claimed she could see a pattern emerging on one of the carpets. Closer inspection showed it to be a squashed fairy cake.  
  
We are going back tommorow with Arwen's carpet shampoo. Arwen said that it has been tested by 'Which?' magazine, but I bet it has never had to clean a filthy hovel like Bag End before.  
  
Friday 4th September  
  
I have just witnessed a miracle!  
  
This morning Bilbo's carpets were dark grey in colour. Now one is a Red Axminster and the other is a Blue Wilton! We have left them on the washing line to dry. We have scraped all the floors clean and washed the furtinture down. Arwen tried to wash the curtains but they fell to bits before she could get them into the sink.  
  
Bilbo has been sat in a deckchair all day, critisizing and complaining. He can't see what's wrong with living in a dirty house. What IS wrong with living in a dirty house?  
  
Saturday 5th September  
  
Elrond took Bilbo's empty beer bottles back to the off-license. The boot, back-seat and floor of the car were full of them. The whole car stunk of brown ale. Elrond ran out of petrol on the way there and had to call the AA. The AA man was most uncivil. He said it wasn't the Automobile Association that Elrond needed, it was Alcoholics Anonymous. 


	8. October, November & December

A/N- MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Bet you thought that I had dissapeared off the face of the Earth, didn't you?!  
  
Anyway, I'M BACK, and I've merged the last three chapters of Aragorn's diary which covers October, November and December. Enjoy.........  
  
******************************************************************  
  
The Diary of Aragorn Aged 42 and Three Quarters  
  
October  
  
Saturday 3rd October  
  
Went to Sainsbury's. They are selling Christmas cakes. I feel like my life is slipping away.  
  
I am reading Wuthering Heights. It is brilliant. I am sure if I could get Arwen up somewhere high we could regain our old passion.  
  
Sunday 4th October  
  
Persuaded Arwen to sign up for Gandalf's trek over the Charadhas.  
  
Bill has gone missing. This is a potent of doom.  
  
Wednesday 7th October  
  
Bill is still missing. Sam has put an advert in the window of the Prancing Pony.  
  
Saturday 10th October  
  
I am worried about Bill. He is missing presumed dead.  
  
Another worry is Celeborn. He lies in bed until noon, then gets up, fries a mess in a pan, eats the mess and then sits in the living room watching Afternoon Plus.  
  
Monday 12th October  
  
Went to Gandalf's to be breifed for the Caradhas trip.  
  
He was telling us about survival techniques. Gandalf reckons the best thing to do when your suffering from Hyperthermia is to climb into a sack with a naked woman. Arwen's lips went thin and she left the room. Just my luck to be stuck up a mountain with a frigid woman!  
  
RIP Bill  
  
Tuesday 13th October  
  
Had an angry phonecall from Eomer, asking when we were planning to pick Bill up!  
  
The stupid pony turned up at his house on the 6th October!  
  
I went round immediately and was shocked at Bill's condition. He looked dead old and haggard. I have never seen a pony age so fast. Those eight days with Eomer must have been hell. He is very strict. I can't see him giving Bill his daily Twix.  
  
Sunday 18th October (after Caradhas trip)  
  
It is brilliant to be back to civilisation!  
  
That is the last time I ever go on one of Gandalf's 'Treks'. We spent most of the time trudging through snow drifts and attempting to cook on a tiny primus stove. We almost starved. Thank god cheese doesn't leak, break, soak up water or come in a tin. Gandalf wouldn't even let us stop walking when a blizzard started.  
  
I was glad to get back home. I am in bed because of my foot blisters. Arwen is not speaking to me. She said the trip was worse than the time Elrond gave her a sex talk using a balloon and a cucumber.  
  
Tuesday 20th October  
  
Here I am, lying in bed unable to move because of the agony, and Elrond carries out his parental responsibilities by throwing a bacon sandwich at me twice a day!  
  
November  
  
Friday 6th November  
  
A bonfire party has been organised for tommorow night and I am being forced to go to it. Arwen is doing the food, Legolas is doing the fireworks and Elrond is in charge of lighting the bonfire so I will make sure I stand at least 100 meters away. I have seen him singe his eyebrows many a time.  
  
Saturday 7th November  
  
Following the warnings from Blue Peter and the media, I decided to lock Bill in the gardeners shed to stop him getting spooked by the fireworks. I couldn't find him anywhere so I gave up and went to the party. I found Bill standing next to Sam chewing a hotdog!  
  
Friday 27th November  
  
Got a postcard from the post office to say that unless Elrond pays the Bill by 4.00pm today, out phone will be cut off!  
  
Saturday 28th November  
  
Our phone has been cut off.  
  
Got a telegram from Galadriel-  
  
ARAGORNSTOPCOMINGHOMESTOP  
  
What does she mean 'Stop coming home?' how can I stop coming home, I live here!  
  
Sunday 29th November  
  
Galadriel has just turned up with no warning!  
  
She had all of her suitcases with her!  
  
She has just thrown herself on the mercy of Celeborn. Celeborn has just thrown himself on the body of Galadriel. I am dreading her looking round the castle. It is really dirty. She will go mad when she finds out that Arwen has lent her fox fur coat to Eowyn.  
  
December  
  
Tuesday 1st December  
  
I called the post office from a pay phone down the road and pretended to by my Father. I said that I, Elrond Halfelven, had been in a lunatic asylum for three months and needed the home phone to ring The Samaritans etc.  
  
The woman at the other end got dead mad. She said she didn't care if I was the Iluvatar himself, we wouldn't get the phone re-connected until the bill of Â£289.47p has been paid, plus a deposit of Â£80, plus a re-connection fee of Â£50!  
  
When Celeborn and Galadriel get up and discover the lack of dialling tone, Elrond will be done for!  
  
Sunday 6th December  
  
Elrond has been forced to pay for the phone to be re-connected.  
  
He is being treated like a criminal.  
  
Sunday 13th December  
  
Celeborn and Galadriel had a festive time decorating the Christmas tree.  
  
When it was finished it looked OK. Legolas wasn't too thrilled with it considering he is supposed to be big on trees. Bill on the other hand, had one of his mad fits and had to be restrained with a rolled up 'Guardian'.  
  
Tuesday 15th December  
  
I asked Galadriel why she left Thranduil today.  
  
She said- ''Thranduil treated me like a sex object. He always expected his evening meal to be cooked for him and he cut his toe-nails in the living room.....besides, I'm rather fond of Celeborn.''  
  
She didn't mention me or Arwen!  
  
Wednesday 16th December  
  
Legolas is directing an experimental Nativity play called 'Manger to Star'. I am playing Joseph, Arwen is Mary and Pippin is playing Jesus.  
  
Friday 18th December  
  
Today's rehearsal of 'Manger to Star' was a complete fiasco.  
  
Pippin has grown too big for the crib so Frodo has got to make another one. Gandalf came along to watch. He stood at the back of the hall with Legolas. He had an expression like the north face of Eigar by the time we had finished. He took Legolas into the next room for 'A quiet word'. A quiet word! We heard everything he shouted. He said he knew it would be a mitake to let Legolas take charge. He said he wanted to see a traditional Nativity play, with a Tiny Tears doll playing Jesus and the three wise man wearing tea-towels and dressing gowns. Then he threatened to cancel the play if Mary (a.k.a Arwen) continued to go into simulated labour in the manger!  
  
This is typical. How can we change it now? It is being performed on Tuesday.  
  
Galadriel got a Christmas card from that creep Thranduil. He had written inside it- 'Do you have the ticket for my best white suit? Sketchley's are being very difficult.'  
  
Galadriel was upset after she read the card so Celeborn called Thranduil and told him to cease communications or risk getting a peice of Mirkwood bark between his shoulder blades. Celeborn looked dead good on the phone. He had a fag in his mouth. Galadriel was leaning on the side of the fridge, she had a fag in her hand. They looked a bit like Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall.  
  
Sunday 20th December  
  
Arwen and I had a private Manger to Star rehearsal in our room. We improvised a great scene where Mary gets back from the family planning clinic and tells Joseph that she is pregnant. It was going well until Elrond complained about the shouting. Bill was supposed to be the lowly cattle be he couldn't keep still long enough to make a tableau.  
  
After tea, Galadriel casually mentioned that she was going to wear her fox fur coat to the concert on Tuesday!  
  
I had to leggit round to Faramir and Eowyn's and get the coat, but Eowyn told me that she has lent the coat to her Mother to go to Tom Bombadil's Christmas Dinner and Dance! She will not be back until the early hours so I will have to go round at dawn tommorow and sneak the coat back to the castle before Galadriel notices that it has gone missing.  
  
It won't be easy but then again, nothing in my life is anymore. I feel like a character in a Russian novel half the time.  
  
Monday 21st December  
  
Woke up in a panic to discover that it was 8.50am by my bedside digital!  
  
I got up and then found that the world was covered in snow. I trudged round to Faramir and Eowyn's house. I looked through the latterbox and saw Eowyn's cat dragging the fur coat around the hall! I shouted swear words at it but the stupid cat ignored me so I had no choice but to storm charge the laundry room door and get the coat by force.  
  
I staggered back to the castle and fell into the kitchen in a state of Hypertenstion. Galadriel was smoking and making mince pies. She screamed ''WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU DOING WITH MY FOX FUR COAT?!''  
  
Then she grabbed it off me and started drying the fur with a hairdryer. She didn't make me a hot drink or anything!  
  
When she was finished screaming at me she said- ''You can make yourself useful and go and check and campbeds for rust. Elrohir, Elladan and Haldir are coming to stay for Christmas.''  
  
Great.  
  
Tuesday 22nd December  
  
Tonight was the concert and it did not go well.  
  
The Ent's bell ringing went on for too long and Elrond said ''The bells! The bells!''.  
  
The orchestra from Bree were terrible. Galadriel asked when they were going to stop tuning up and start playing. I told her they had just played a Mozart horn concerto and she laughed too loud and made Gandalf look at her. A group of Orcs got up and sang some carols (the vulgar versions) and then Eomer played the piano, violin, flute and Jew's harp. The smarmy git looked dead superior when he was bowing during his applause.  
  
After the interval it was time for Manger to Star. I was brilliant! I really got under the skin of Joseph nut Arwen wasn't as good. She forgot to look tenderly at Pippin/Jesus.  
  
In the car on the way home, Elrond said ''That was the funniest Nativity I've ever seen Whose idea was it to turn it into a comedy?''  
  
Me and Arwen just looked at each other. It wasn't a comedy.  
  
Thursday 24th December  
  
The castle looks dead clean and tidy (for a change). I have searched around for my presents, but they are not in the usual places. I want a racing bike. Nothing else will please me. It's about time I was independantly mobile.  
  
Friday 25th December  
  
Got up at 5am to have a ride on my racing bike. Elrond paid for it with his American Express card. I couldn't ride it far because of the snow but it didn't matter. I just like looking at it. Elrond had written on the gift tag- 'Don't leave it out in the rain!' As if I would!  
  
Elladan and Elrohir arrived shortly after with Haldir (who Galadriel had invited out of pity). Elladan and Elrohir looked the same as usual, like they go to funerals every day of their lives. I am ashamed to call them my step-brothers. They refused a drink and had a cup of tea whilst Galadriel defrosted the turkey in the bath. Gandalf and Bilbo arrived at 12.30 and pretended to like Elladan and Elrohir.  
  
I went into the bathroom a little while later and found Galadriel crying over the turkey. She said ''I can't get it to defrost Aragorn! What am I going to do?''  
  
I said ''Just bung it in the oven!'' so she did.  
  
We sat down to dinner four hours late. By that time, Elrond was too drunk to eat anything.  
  
Gandalf gave me a book called 'Bible Stories for Boys''. I could hardly tell him that I had lost my faith so I said thankyou and wore a false smile for so long that it hurt.  
  
Elladan and Elrohir went to their campbeds at 9pm. Haldir, Elrond, Legolas, Gimli, Celeborn and Bilbo played cards while I polished by bike. We had a good time making jokes about Elladan and Elrohir until Gandalf and Bilbo went home.  
  
Saturday 26th December  
  
Elladan and Elrohir got up at 7am and sat around in their best clothes, looking respectable. I went for a ride on my bike. When I got back, Arwen, Galadriel and Celeborn were still in bed, and Elrond was having an argument with his sons about Bill's behaviour so I went for another ride. I called in on Gandalf and ate four mince pies, then I rode back home.  
  
Sunday 27th December  
  
Elladan and Elrohir have gone back to Rivendell, thank god. Haldir has gone back to Lorien. The castle is back to it's usual mess. Celeborn and Galadriel took a bottle of vodka and two glasses with them to bed last night and haven't been seen since.  
  
Tuesday 29th December  
  
Elrond is in a bad mood because there is only one bottle of VP sherry left to drink. He has gone round to Faramir's to borrow a bottle of spirits.  
  
Bill has pulled down the Christmas tree and made all the pine needles stick in the shag pile.  
  
Thursday 31st December  
  
Last day of the year!  
  
Celeborn and Galadriel went to a New Year's Eve dance in Rohan. Galadriel actually wore a dress. It has been 300 years since she showed her legs in public!  
  
Elrond came crashing through the door at 2am, drunk as usual and clutching a lump of coal. He started going on about what a wonderful son I was and how he really loved me.  
  
It's a pity he never says anything like that when he is sober.  
  
  
  
*******************************************************  
  
That's it FINITO!  
  
Don't dispair though.  
  
The sequel to this Fic- 'The Growing Pains of Aragorn, King of Gondor' is coming soon!!! 


End file.
